A Subliminal Love Affair

A Subliminal Love Affair — a short story by LJ Kundananji

Okay, here we go. The average nice guy. No, a little more than average. Yeah. That sounds better; because he was definitely more than the average nice guy. He would die for anyone. Okay, maybe I have exaggerated a little bit. But seriously, he put others before himself.

No. The truth actually, about the subject in question, is that he was a man pleaser. Yeah, that’s right. A man pleaser. He always wanted to please people. This is because, I assume, he thrived on people’s compliments. He was so dependent on them that a tiny bit of criticism and rejection would make him cringe and isolate himself, retreating into the proverbial corner, wishing to die.

No, he wasn’t paranoid. That’s too extreme a definition. He believed in the better side of people. He believed that all people had a good side, and that by doing good for them, he would stimulate this good side.

So, in short, he was just a good guy, and he was ardent at keeping it that way.

But in this world, most good guys learn the hard way that there is really nothing like a good guy. The good-guy concept is only a sick idea planted in the minds of ailing, emotionally-deprived people craving for attention. Okay, this may sound a little harsh, but that’s what I’ve learnt, and most importantly, that’s what Matthew learnt.

The day he met Sonny.

The day love fell into his heart.

Oh, by the way, that crap about falling in love? I don’t believe in it. I think it’s love that falls into us—into our hearts. More appropriately, it’s someone else who plants a seed of love in our hearts which grows and grows until it bursts out; until it becomes too big to contain. And that’s when everything goes wrong. That’s what I’ve learnt in my life. But more importantly, that’s what Matthew learnt.

On the day love fell into his heart.

The day Sonny planted it there.

Oh, yes, he had heard of Sonny even before he met her. And he had an interesting opinion of Sonny. Each time he laid his eyes upon her, he saw a very pretty girl. A whore. A shallow minded nitwit. He hated her.

But maybe that’s because he loved her. He loved her and he wanted her, but she seemed to belong to someone else and everyone else. Everyone else but him. He wanted her for himself.

She was almost everything he wanted in a woman. Petite, almost beautiful, fine body structure… and pretty sexy. Those fine legs. It hurt him every time he saw them. It hurt him that she did not conceal them from everyone else. It hurt him that others could see them too, just like he did, and want them, just like he wanted them. And it hurt him more to think someone else, or a lot of some other bodies were getting those legs. And he wasn’t.

So, to deal with all these emotions, he hated her.

He hated her because he loved her. He hated her because he could not have her. Hatred is masked love. Sometimes. And besides that, she was not a good girl. He could tell just by looking. He did not know how, but he just could. There was something about her… an aura… an odour . She was giving off an offensive odour that made the nose to his mind twitch. A powerful stench; but without a smell.

And so, subconsciously, he decided to have nothing to do with her. He decided to shut her out of his mind, to ignore her existence.

But ignoring something only makes it more conspicuous. And this is what happened to Matthew. The more he ignored Sonny, the more impossible it became to avoid her. She was always there, haunting him, more or less the same way someone who hates himself is haunted by his own shadow.

Whenever he went to class, she was there. If he decided to go to the lawns to study under the shade of trees or under the bright, happy sunshine or on top of refreshingly green grass, she was there too. And if he dared go to the library, a room jam-packed with students exchanging a tiny pocket of warm air, she too was there, her quick eyes darting across the pages of dusty, old books.

And so it proceeded in this manner. It would have been alright if things continued this way, with Matthew pretending Sonny never existed, and Sonny, keeping to herself and her little pack of friends. But of course, one day, things changed.

“Why are you staring at that girl?” Timothy asked Matthew one day as they were studying in the library.

“Because,” Matthew said in a low voice, his chin resting on his clasped hands, his eyes fixed on the girl seated a couple of tables away, her cute nose buried in a text book.

There was a moment of silence as Timothy anticipated an answer, but it never came. “Because what?” his tone betrayed his impatience.

“She is my classmate.” Matthew replied. “She’s cute.”

“And she’s in trouble.” A pained expression wrinkled his brows.

“What you mean?”

“I saw her test results. She failed.”

“So? Everyone fails tests at CBU—it’s absolutely normal.”

“No… not the way she failed. She’s not gonna make it at this rate.”

“And why should you care?”

“I don’t know. I just do.”

Timothy tutted. “Don’t bother yourself. I’m certain she will pull through.”

“That’s the thing. I think she won’t unless I help her—”

“Oh, there you go again… trying to save the day, Mr. Good Guy. “ Timothy said derisively.

“Humph.” Matthew got up to his feet, his eyes still fixed on the girl. “Watch me.”

Timothy watched with a gape as his friend negotiated his way through the row of tables and chairs towards the girl. She stood beside her, his hand resting on the table, and leaned forward, his mouth close to her ear. The girl looked up. She appeared startled at first, but when she recognized the person leaning over her with a smile draped across his face, she returned his warm smile, and her eyes shined brighter than the fluorescent lamps above their heads.

“Hullo, Matthew,” she greeted. Matthew couldn’t help but stare at her mouth. She had exquisite lips and very white and well-set teeth. Her breath tasted like mint in his nose. She had a light brown complexion that reminded him of Emily, his one upon a time ‘true’ love.

“How’s the studying going?”

“It’s tough.” He could tell by the stress in her voice that she was being genuine.

“I understand.” He pulled up a chair and sat down, all the while leaning in towards her. “I saw your test results—they were awful.”

“I know Matthew. It’s hard—very hard for me to grasp this stuff.”

“I can help you,” he said, his eyes glowing. As he stared into her eyes, he felt as if his soul was being drawn into hers; and he was instantly struck by her beauty; for she was one of the loveliest creatures he had ever seen, and all he could feel was an intense longing to help her.

“I can help you.”

“Really?” Surprise stretched across her face. But also something else. He couldn’t figure out what it was, but it made his heart warm up in a good feeling.

“Yes.”

“Oh, that’s… sweet. I’d really appreciate it.”

The warm feeling in his heart suddenly made him do something he could never have done. He reached out and placed his hand on hers. To his surprise, it was not as soft and smooth as he had imagined it would be. Rather, it felt granulative, and he nearly gasped from surprise. But something else stopped him. Something felt right about it. He didn’t know what it was, but it intensified the warm feeling in his heart.

“Take a walk with me.” He found his mouth saying.

She obliged. The two wound their way through the rows of chairs and tables, down the steps to the ground floor and towards the exit. Timothy remained staring after them, a gaping expression on his face.

It was around four in the afternoon. The sky above was overcast, and the weather just a little bit chilly; the atmosphere just a little bit grey and somber. But despite this, Sonny stood out against the grayness. She shone, golden, like she had a bit of the sun in her. Matthew’s heart beat faster.

“You are one smart girl, Sonny.”

“Stop flattering me.”

“I ain’t no flattering you. I’m is only telling you the truth. You is one smart girl. I can tell.”

“Well, the results don’t show for it.”

“Yes, that’s exactly the problem: you are lazy.”

She appeared less than amused at this accusation. ”A lot of people say that. You hardly know me. How can you know so much about me?”

Just like I could tell you was a whore the first time I laid me eyes on you, he thought, but never said it. “I can just tell. You can tell a lot about a person just by looking at them.”

“Hmm.” She didn’t sound so convinced. “So what do you suggest?”

“I want to help you.” He said it earnestly and passionately, and it occurred to him in that instant that he had never said anything in that manner to anyone before.

“Really?” she glowed brighter, her eyes shining behind her lenses. He shuddered imperceptibly as he stared back into them.

“Yeah.”

“I would like that.”

It was at this moment that he really felt it. An intense desire for Sonny. And he detected it in her. He didn’t need to be a genius. Her body language gave her away: she was ‘accidentally’ crashing into his side as they walked, almost as if she wanted to push him off the road.

“How is your boyfriend?” he suddenly asked.

“Him and I are history.” She said quickly as if she had been anticipating the question.

“Oh hah?” He was incredulous. How could any guy leave this girl who had a natural propensity to glow in the dark? But he was not supposed to forget his deductions: she was a whore.

“He’s too protective: always wanting to find out where the heck I am all the time. I do not like it when a guy is like that. I like my independence.” Her voice was forceful, and he knew that she meant it.

“I understand why he… would be like that.” He said. He was implicitly conveying her worth, but he knew she was smart enough to get it. He hoped she was.

“Anyway, we have not talked in a long while.”

“I see.” He rubbed his chin spontaneously. He didn’t know why, but the revelation unsettled him, almost disappointing him.

“So I am going to help you,” he breathed, staring down into her face, and it struck him how much shorter she was than him. “Just make yourself available.”

“I will.”

#

Matthew and Sonny spent almost every other day together from that point onwards. It was not so hard to help her. She was smart, but he soon realized that she was not as smart as he had assumed. Her handwriting was shabby and her grammar, awful. Yet she was smart. In her own way. And sooner than later, he was going to learn this the hard way.

“You are my Angel.” She breathed, twisting her lips seductively. Damn. Those lips. The look on her face and in her eyes was saying “Kiss me if you dare.”

“Am I?” his heart beat harder, pumping warm blood into his veins. He could feel them pulsating in tune with each beat of his heart.

“Yes, you are my angel—sent to rescue me.” She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him towards her into a hug. It felt warm. And good.

“I…” his words died in his throat when he felt the tender touch of her lips against his. It was a brief, brush touch, but it made his heart stop for a second. And he nearly fainted.

“Good night, Angel.” She said upon releasing him from the hug.

“Um, night… honey pie.” The last two words were spontaneous, emanating from deepest part of his subconscious.

“Honey pie,” she smiled. “I love it.”

He could only stare back into her face, into her eyes, and the whole world around him melted into insubstantiality, like wax melting from the heat of fire.

“Go, you’ll get cold.” She rubbed his shoulder with her palm.

“Yeah. I got to go.” He hesitated for a while, not really willing to leave; but then slowly, he walked off into the misty night.

Matthew stopped. What was he doing? He had nothing to return to, just a cold bunk in dingy little room overrun with cockroaches and infested with mosquitoes. There was no love there. There had never been. He was walking away from love.

No. Not this time. He thought. I am not going to let love fly away from me again.

He turned and walked back. He felt an unusual sense of courage. But he was afraid at the same time. He was afraid of love. That is why he had walked away from it in the past. But not this time. He was not going to let it slip away from him.

He walked more determinedly.

It was a walk of mixed feelings. He felt like turning back. But the love in his heart made him keep walking. Kept him on the right track—the track to love.

He carefully unlocked the gate, loosing and unwrapping the chain that fastened it to the metallic pole. It felt cold to the touch, and it clicked and clunked heavily as it hit against the pole. He winced. He never liked making dramatic entrances. But what the heck, this entrance was dramatic enough for it.

The sound of the gravel under his shoes, grinding and sliding against each other as he made his way to the door was louder than usual. It seemed to ricochet off every solid object in the yard.

The door was hard and cold against his knuckles.

It was Sonny who answered the knock.

“Matthew, did you forget something?” she appeared puzzled.

“Uhm… no. I mean, yes.” He mumbled, his eyes transfixed on her sensuous lips.

“What’s that?” a look appeared in her eyes that betrayed her realization. She smiled knowingly.

“Is Melinda around?”

The question made her smile vanish, sending question marks spinning in her eyes. The truth was that the source of this question was almost equally astounded.

“Yeah… why?”

“Can I see her please?” his voice was merely a whisper, barely audible; his eyes pleading.

“Sure. Mel! Mat is here to see you.” She said it as though it hurt, and didn’t move. Melinda had to squeeze herself next to her, and, as if by some arrangement, they both stood in front of him, displayed, juxtaposed.

And Matthew saw it. In Melinda.

“Mat?”

“Mel, I—” he paused and gave Sonny a look that she instinctively interpreted as a request for her to leave. She shrugged and left, perceptibly confused. And hurt.

Melinda walked down the steps so that they stood eye to eye. And mouth to mouth. Her breath smelt of mint.

“Talk to me, Mat. What is this all about?” She was a girl of average prettiness.

But she was exactly what he wanted in a woman: petite, beautiful, fine body structure and fine legs.

He held her hand and caressed it tenderly. Looking her in the eye, he said: “You are the one who glows in the dark.”

He looked at the puzzled girl with a smile. And he finally understood. When he saw Sonny, he actually saw Melinda. But she was not going to get away with it. He was not going to let Sonny get what did not belong to her. He was not that good a guy. He had never been.

© Kundananji Creations 2011

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