Christina's Business Letter

Hi Christina!

I have taken a look at your business letter, and the following are my suggestions. You are at liberty to reject or accept them; but please take each of them into consideration.

Here is Christina's letter in its original context:

Firstly, I have noticed that you decided to use the modified block style. Everything is about right, except for the complimentary close which should start from somewhere the middle of the page. Below is an example of how the modified block style looks like:

Now let’s get into it.

The return address (your address) is fine.  But I would rather you leave a line after the date as well so that it appears like this:

9205 S 239th Place
Kent,
WA 98031

January 21, 2010

Main Manager or Staff
112 West 34th Street
 22nd Floor
New York, New York 10120

It seems that you are not sure about whom you are addressing this business letter to. If this is the case, there are two ways you can go about this:

1. You can leave out the ‘Main Manger or Staff’ in the recipient address and write the salutation like this:

 

112 West 34th Street
22nd Floor
New York, 10120

To Whom It May Concern:

 

2. You can replace the ‘Main Manger or Staff’ with ‘To Whom it may concern’ and then re-write the salutation like this:

To Whom It May Concern
112 West 34th Street
22nd Floor
New York, 10120

Dear Sir/Madam:

 

But I think it is best that you send this letter to the manager of the company, considering the proposal that you are making. It is the duty of the manager to look into such proposals and approve or disapprove them. So, you can write like this:

The Manager
112 West 34th Street
22nd Floor
New York, 10120

Dear Sir/Madam:

The first Paragraph:

The first paragraph is fair.

Remember, the first sentence should state the reason why you are writing. It should be brief and straight to the point. Your entire first paragraph should be an effective summary of what your business letter is about.

Here’s how I would have you write it:

I have a suggestion that would see your company, Aeropostale, having more customers and receiving more sales. I personally wear and enjoy your fashion and so do many teenagers and young adults. It is with the desire to seen yet more others enjoy your products that I make this suggestion.

 

The Body:

When writing the body of your business letter, remember the following:

• Each paragraph should concentrate on one main idea.
• Use formal language.
•  Avoid using contractions (e.g can’t, don’t, etc.)

 

Here’s how I would have you write your body:

I am a very ambitions thirteen year old girl who not only sees opportunities but also jumps at them, and so I would like to infuse some of this spirit into you. At the same time I am writing you, I am trying to get my school to join the Jeans for Teen Donations. (You don’t have to say that you are a teen. Your age already shows that you are a teen). I live in Kent, Washington and I once found myself shopping at Kent Station on Ramsey Way. I was very disappointed when I could not find my favorite Aeropostale store around or in the center. Considering what a great place it is, my suggestion is for you to open a store at Kent Station.

I would recommend Kent Station for the following reasons. A lot of teenagers shop at Kent Station, and what is more, right across the street from the shopping precinct is a middle school. There are other stores like Justice, Zumiez, Pac Sun and many more that are a big attraction to middle school kids. A lot of students from Mill Creek Middle School that I have talked to say that Kent Station would be an excellent location for an Aeropostale store and more than 50% revealed that it is their favorite store. I have seen too that countless kids wear your designer clothes at school and are always carrying the “Bulldog Sale” bags they get from your store. All in all, the majority of teens at middle schools would prefer shopping at an Aeropostale store that is right by their block.

Conclusion:

The conclusion should not just be a summary, but a call to action or guidelines on how they can follow up your suggestion. You could tell then how to get more information, like you have done, or give them further contact details. Your aim should be to get some kind of response from them.

If this business letter will be emailed, the active links are okay. But if it will be printed on paper, remember that people can’t clink the links on the paper. They would have to type them into the search engine, so make sure you get them right!

 

There are a lot of leasing spaces available at Kent Station. More information about this can be found at:
www.kentstation.com/Information-Leasing and www.kentstation.com. Thank you for your time and I look forward to the decision you and your company will make.

 

Complementary Close:

You only use ‘sincerely’ when you address the recipient by name. However, when you use ‘Dear Sir/Madam’, you should use ‘yours faithfully’.

Yours Faithfully,

Christina Polyanko
8th Grader of Mill Creek Middle School

So piecing your letter together, it will look like this:

9205 S 239th Place
Kent,
WA 98031

January 21, 2010

The Manager
112 West 34th Street
 22nd Floor
New York, New York 10120

Dear Sir/Madam:

I have a suggestion that would see your company, Aeropostale, having more customers and receiving more sales. I personally wear and enjoy your fashion and so do many teenagers and young adults. It is with the desire to seen yet more others enjoy your products that I make this suggestion.

I am a very ambitions thirteen year old girl who not only sees opportunities but also jumps at them, and so I would like to infuse some of this spirit into you. At the same time I am writing you, I am trying to get my school to join the Jeans for Teen Donations. I live in Kent, Washington and I once found myself shopping at Kent Station on Ramsey Way. I was very disappointed when I could not find my favorite Aeropostale store around or in the center. Considering what a great place it is, my suggestion is for you to open a store at Kent Station.

I would recommend Kent Station for the following reasons. A lot of teenagers shop at Kent Station, and what is more, right across the street from the shopping precinct is a middle school. There are other stores like Justice, Zumiez, Pac Sun and many more that are a big attraction to middle school kids. A lot of students from Mill Creek Middle School that I have talked to say that Kent Station would be an excellent location for an Aeropostale store and more than 50% revealed that it is their favorite store. I have seen too that countless kids wear your designer clothes at school and are always carrying the “Bulldog Sale” bags they get from your store. All in all, the majority of teens at middle schools would prefer shopping at an Aeropostale store that is right by their block.

There are a lot of leasing spaces available at Kent Station. More information about this can be found at:
www.kentstation.com/Information-Leasing and www.kentstation.com. Thank you for your time and I look forward to the decision you and your company will make.

 

Yours Faithfully,

Christina Polyanko
8th Grader of Mill Creek Middle School

 

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