Hard Choice

Hard Choice- a short story by LJ Kundananji

Is there such a thing as loving two people equally? I’d disagree, because no two people are equal. Rather, it is possible to love two people differently.

“Boys think we like playing hard to get,” Emily told her friend as they walked up the path towards the university campus. “But they just don’t know that we are afraid.”

“Very afraid indeed,” her friend, Emma, agreed with a nod of her head.
“They think it’s that easy to trust someone with as delicate a thing as your heart?”
“I think they fail to understand how we girls do,” Emma said with a chuckle. “When we love someone, we love with everything we have. So when our hearts are broken, it really hurts.”
“Mm hmm,” Emily agreed with a thoughtful look on her face.
“Very few boys love like we do.”
“Luis,” Emily said musingly, “Luis does.”
“Oh, he’s such a sweet an’ cute boy!” Emma smiled broadly, exposing her teeth in a grin.
“I’ve read a lot of his stories,” Emily admitted, “and he’s written a lot about you; why did you turn him down?”
Emma looked back at her friend with a visible look of distress on her face. “I’m just not ready for a commitment, Emily; you know I just broke up with my so-called boy friend.”
“Yeah, I know.” She said sympathetically.
“You know, he is quite a sensitive boy; so he interpreted certain actions of yours to mean that you felt for him.”
Emma sighed and wiped her forehead. “To be honest, I did feel something for him on certain occasions; but, I’m not just ready for any commitment, and I’m not right for him—he’s too good for me.”
“I doubt very much that he was asking for a commitment from you; I think he just wanted to know if you felt the same way.”
“That’s the same thing, Emi!” She exclaimed in a high pitched whimper. “If I reveal that I feel the same thing for him, then it’s as good as bringing myself into a commitment with him. My heart is too battered and bruised to commit it to anyone.”
Emily chuckled and said: “You know there’s a story he wrote about you which you should read.”
“No,” she said firmly.
“And why not?” She asked in surprise, “It’s quite good.”
“He told me not to read it.”
“He did?” She was surprised.
“Yes, he says he wrote something awful about me.”
 “You must be joking.”
“I’m not.”
Emily clapped her hands as a gesture of surprise. “He’s one eccentric boy, that one.”
After a while of walking in utter and contemplative silence, Emily finally said, “Suppose I tell you that after you put him off, he turned his attention to me?”
“That’s good! You an’ him can make a very good couple!” She exclaimed, her eyes dancing with excitement.
Emily just smiled and said nothing. When they reached campus, they parted and went their separate ways. Emily watched her friend walk away with a thoughtful look on her face. She slowly turned and walked to the computer lab.
When she had sat comfortably on one of the computers, she logged on to the internet and opened her mail. Her eyes widened and her heart raced when she noticed that Luis had sent her an email. She quickly opened it and read its contents with quick darting movements of her eyes. After she was all done, she smiled broadly, excitement shimmering in her eyes.
“So, he’s coming,” she said to herself, “finally he’s coming. I can’t wait.”
Later that afternoon, Emily walked home briskly, humming to herself as she walked. She loved singing, and for her it came naturally and easily.
Upon reaching home, she found her mother and decided to put her to the test.
“Mother,” she said when she had put away her books, “how would you feel if I started dating Luis?”
Her mother started, and then smiled. “It would be okay at the right time. I like that boy.”
Emily was rather surprised at this answer. She had expected her mother to blow off her top, as was typical of her.
“Really?” She asked with immense curiosity and suspiciousness.
“Yes.”
“Okay,” she smiled broadly and went to the seating-room to trouble her young brother, Obed, who sat watching television. 
“One down, one to go,” she said as she grasped the remote. With a sleepy expression on her face, she pressed the pause button. This sent her brother flying from his seat with his hands reaching out towards the remote. But she whisked it away and he flopped onto the seat, slamming into her side.
“Give me that, Emi!” He squealed, fighting to grab the remote from her uplifted hand.
“No!” She chirped with a naughty smile, stretching her hand further away from her struggling brother. He finally got to his feet, held her hand firmly and snatched the remote away from her.
“You are a bully,” he said as he flopped into his seat with a sulky expression across his face. She just stared at him and nonchalantly chuckled.
Emily’s father arrived home from work late that afternoon. He greeted his children with a big smile. They responded likewise. A little while later, he had freshened up and sank into the sofa in front of the TV with a sigh of contentment. All he was looking forward to was listening to the evening news and having a nice supper. It was at this moment, when he was least suspecting it, that his daughter attacked him like the bully she was.
“Dad,” she squealed, “I am going out with Luis.”
He started forward as if someone had given him a mighty slap on his back. He stared at his daughter with bulging eyes, a look of pure unadulterated horror spreading across his face.
“What did you say?” He asked in a trembling voice.
“Aaaah… I am going out with Luis,” she said in a slow deliberate manner, so that he did not miss a word. “In other words, Luis and I are dating.”
“Luis Kankoyo?”
“Yes, you got it right.” She chirped.
His face turned ashen, as if he had been struck by a fever of the worst kind. Emily was unsettled to see her father respond in such a manner. It confirmed what Luis had said earlier, that her father would not like him to go out with her. What the heck did he have against the boy?
“My daughter,” he said in slow heavy breaths. “I hope you are just joking.”
“No, daddy, I’m serious.”
Obed looked on in amusement. His father was so stunned that he appeared funny. The sight was most hilarious. He had to suppress several laughs, but with a lot of effort.
Emily’s father, at that moment, had to stifle with tremendous effort the urge to give his daughter a flogging that she would never forget. Luis! His son-in-law? That was the last thing he ever wanted. That boy was flawed in his entirety.  He should have seen this coming. Most definitely he should have. He had seen the little boy hanging around his daughter a lot recently, and that should have ticked off the alarm in his super-alert brain. But he had assumed that the boy would respect himself and maintain a distance.
He sat back in his seat and sighed deeply, with a hand to his mouth.
“Dad,” his daughter inquired with a bit of worry, “you did hear what I said, didn’t you?”
“Mm hmm,” he granted with a hand to his forehead, which had sudden started aching.
“Well?” His daughter prodded.
“I’ll get back to you.” He breathed with closed eyes. His evening was already ruined. “I can’t say anything right now.”

Somewhere in another town, not so far away from the one in which the episode we have just witnessed happened, a boy stirred in his sleep. He mumbled a barrage of inarticulate words. Yes, he was having a dream, and obviously, it was not a pleasant one.
In his dream, he was facing seven girls who stood in a row. He knew who they all were, for there were the girls he had loved at some separate moments in his measly little life. There was Mercy, who stared back at him with her large, round white eyes—the only things he saw on her dark face; Kate, whose smile made his heart melt; Mary, whose motherly disposition was more evident than ever; Naomi, who was smiling ever so passionately at him; Judy, who surprisingly was scowling at him in annoyance; Emma, whose stare seemed to bore through his miserable organism; and Emily, who looked on at him with such piety that he felt guilty.
As he watched and analyzed all these girls in turn, they suddenly stretched out their hands towards him, and with rapacious looks on their faces, moved forward.
“You love all of us, Luis,” they chanted, “but choose one, choose one.”
He turned and tried to run, but he felt cold hands wrap around his legs. He plummeted to the ground with a thud. The voices behind him becoming louder and louder:
“Choose one, choose one!” they cried, their voices beginning to sound desperate.
“Arrgh!” He screamed as he felt himself being dragged backwards. More cold hands wrapped around his legs…
He woke up with a start, gasping and sweating. He rubbed his forehead and fell back onto his bed. He sighed heavily, hopping that he had not screamed out loudly.
“What a nightmare,” he breathed.

“Luis will be coming tomorrow,” Emily informed Emma.
“Is that so?” Her eyes glowed with excitement.
“Yeah, I would really love to see him again,” she smiled broadly as she recalled his handsome face.
“Me too,” Emma breathed.  “Me too.”
The two girls reveled in memories of their old friend. Finally, after a long while of contemplating, Emily finally said: “I’ll need your help with something.”
“What’s that?”
“Your pretty face!” She laughed.

Emily arranged to rendezvous with Luis after class the following day. He had revealed by phone that he would arrive in town around noon.
“I really want to see you,” he told her.
“Me too,” she chirped merrily.
After classes, Emily walked to the rendezvous point—the bench under the huge leafy tree at the lawns. Her heart beat faster when she noticed his lean figure, seated on the bench. Spontaneously, she walked faster. When he saw her approaching, he slowly rose to his feet. His eyes were full of excitement. She noticed, with intrigue, that he had grown taller.
“Luis!” She shrieked upon seeing him. He held out his hands to hug her, for he had planned to do so during the half hour he had sat on that bench.
“No!” She squealed, pushing aside his hands and flopping onto the seat. “No hug for you; I want to blast you off first for staying away for so long a time!”
With a smile, he sat down on the bench beside her. He took a good, hard look at her. She was certainly beautiful, and he wondered how he could not have noticed this earlier.
“You know very well I had no choice,” he breathed. “Remember what happened? I failed to make it to second year; it’s not like I wanted to stay away.”
“You had a choice, Luis; you had a choice.” Her eyes softened a bit with affection.
“I did, huh?”
“Yes.” She stared into his face searchingly. “So, how have you been?”
“Fine.” He replied. “And how have you been?”
“Very fine.”
He chuckled. “You are always very fine.”
“That is not true,” she revealed. “Sometimes, I get upset.”
“Really?” He was intensely curious. “It’s hard for me to imagine you upset. You are always so loud and gregarious. What upsets you?”
“Some people,” she said in a low voice with a hint of glumness across her face.
“What about ‘em?”
“They prove false to what they profess to believe in.” she breathed, staring at the ground. “I know, of course that we are not perfect, but sometimes people go overboard. Some of the things they do are utterly inappropriate for professed Christians.”
This revelation unsettled him intensely, and he fidgeted around nervously.
“Anyway, otherwise, I keep my self busy with lots of stuff to do—and of course my noise makes me forget about such disheartening things.” she said, trying to cheer him up. She never liked seeing him all sad and gloomy. He was certainly a depressing sight.
“That’s good.” He said. He stared affectionately at her. At that moment, all he wanted was to tell her how much he loved her, and that he had missed her so terribly; but somehow, he could not. He just goggled at her in hopelessness. But he did not need to say all those things, because she saw them in him. She saw how his countenance reeked of affection, and how he stared at her with awe and admiration.
And Luis did not need any verbal confirmation from her that she liked him. Everything about her, from her smile to her body language, suggested that she felt the same way.
At the moment, this—being together and talking about their dreams and their affections and their goals—was all they wanted, all they desired; and they wished that the moment could last forever.
But of course, no such moment lasts forever, and it was finally time to go.
“I have to be home by eighteen,” Emily said, getting to her feet. “Else my mother will go mad.”
“Of course,” Luis breathed, standing up. “I will give you a push.”
As they walked along the road towards her home, Emily revealed something that sent all the hairs on Luis’ body standing on end.
“I asked my dad,” she said with a serious expression spreading across her face.
“What did he say?” He asked in a shaky voice.
“He said that…”she paused and took a deep breath. “He said that I am too young to start dating.”
“That’s all he said?” He seemed incredulous, his bulging eyes growing bigger.
“Well, not really,” she turned and stared into his face. “He also mentioned that you might not be the right one for me.”
“That is what I thought,” he said in a low voice. He hung his head and pushed his hands into his pocket.
“What is it with you and my dad?” Emily suddenly inquired in such a serious tone that it sent him shuddering.
He opened his mouth and turned to stare at her. She drew to a halt when she noticed the tears glistening in his eyes. He stared squarely at her and said:
“Your father is right; I am not the right one for you.”
She grasped his hand and he shuddered like a leaf. The look on her face was a serious one, and it was one that demanded answers.
“I want to know,” she said, rapidly batting her eyelids. “What does my father have against you?”
“The same thing I have against myself,” he said in a sombre tone. His heart was now beating wildly, and he could feel it beating in his eyes.
“Luis, no more talking in proverbs—I want the truth,” she said firmly, “I need to know. As your future wife I need to know.”
He stared back at her with intense affection. Thick tears streamed out of his eyes. “After you know the truth about me, you will not want to be my future wife. You will probably disdain me and will not want to see me ever again.”
“Tell me, please.” she insisted.
“Being the shepherd your father is in the congregation, I revealed to him my weakness.” He said in an almost inaudible voice. He stared at the ground to avoid her penetrative gaze. “I wanted help… I needed help. I had prayed that God would help me overcome my weakness, and that prayer was answered through your father.”
“What’s your weakness?” she asked.
He hesitated, kicked a stone, winced, and finally said: “Masturbation—I have been fighting it for a long time… and… and sometimes I’ve succumbed to pornography.”
Emily could not hide her shock, and hurt. She shut her eyes tightly in an attempt to stop the tears from flowing.
“I am so sorry… Emily, so, so sorry.” He sobbed, moving to touch her quivering hand.
But she waved him off, her face contorted with pain. “Goodbye, Luis.” She said in a quivering voice.
Having said that, she turned and walked away in haste. A few moments later, she disappeared into the darkness, and Luis could see her no more. He remained standing where she had left him, shuddering from head to toe as if he were standing in the middle of Antarctica with barely any clothes on. The tears were now streaming down his face and splattering to the ground.
“Emi…” he groaned, reaching out with a hand.
Finally, he turned slowly and trudged away, drugging his unwilling feet.
“She hates me forever!” He said in between clenched teeth. “Emi hates me.”
Now Luis did not give a damn about whether the whole world hated him or not; but if Emily hated him, that was too much to bear. It was certainly the end of him. Everything she said and thought and did was significant to him; and if she hated him, he simply had no reason to live.   
“I don’t deserve to live,” he cried, “I deserve to die.”

It was all sombre and glum on the day that the final episode of this tale takes place. The sky was dark with clouds which seemed ready to tear apart and pour their load to the earth.
Luis sat outside on the swing under the mango tree. There was a sad look on his face, the saddest and gloomiest that his overworked facial muscles could manage to construct.
He caressed the electric cord in his hand as he, without realizing it, shaped a noose on one end.
“‘Lost Dream’ was my best story,” he said musingly. “I have never written any which could be further from the truth.”
Suddenly, Esther, his little cousin burst out of the house and came running towards him. Upon reaching, she flung herself at him and hugged him affectionately.
“Luis!” she screeched. “Let’s swing!”
Luis smiled slightly at the girl as she looked up at him with excitement in her eyes. He put her on the swing beside him. She had so much faith in him. If only she knew what a great idiot he was, she wouldn’t.
With his hand against one of the pole, He pushed the swing, so that it swung forward and backward. The little girl screamed with excitement.
“Faster Luis!” she screamed. “Faster!”
“No,” he said, with slight amusement. “It will break, and we will fall down.”
Suddenly, at that moment, his phone beeped, indicating that he had received a message. He stared at the screen wearily and disinterestedly. In fact, he felt like throwing it away. But he suddenly grew stiff. It was a message from Emily.
“Meet me at sku at the usual place at 9:00hrs.”
His heart beat faster. He jumped off the swing to read it more carefully.
“Why should I oblige?” He asked himself. “She probably wants to tell me that it’s all over; that she does not want to see me ever again. She’ll probably bring her dad along.”
He contemplated all these things miserably and concluded that he was the most unfortunate person on earth to lose the girl he loved in such a manner.  He packed the phone in his pocket and, with arms akimbo, he thought of what do next.
Finally, he made up his mind to go and meet her anyway; to have a last look at her. Yes, all he was going to do was have a long look at her beautiful countenance, and that would be enough for him. Then afterwards, he could peacefully die. He caressed the cord in his pocket with a faint smile.
“Luis, you will come back, right?” Esther inquired in a pleading tone as he slipped out of the gate.
“Yeah… sure.”
A quarter of an hour later, he arrived at the rendezvous, with such a low stoop that a mere gust of wind could have blown him over. Yes, he was totally enfeebled by his emotions, and he was as good as dead.
Emily was seated on the bench with her head bowed low. She sat up when she heard his footsteps approaching. He gestured for him to seat beside her. He did so.
“I want to know something,” she inquired, hardly looking up at him.
“What’s that?” He asked, his voice breaking with emotion.
“Do you really love me?” She looked up to his face, as if to watch whether or not what he was going to say was sincere.
“Yes,” he breathed. “I have never loved a girl like I love you.”
“I don’t quite believe that,” he said with a chuckle. “I think there is someone you love more than me.”
“I am confused,” he admitted, rubbing his head.
She sniggered and picked up her phone. “He is here.” She said into the mouth piece.
At this moment, Luis felt like running away. ‘Her father!’ was the only thought running through his head. ‘Her father is here.’
When Emily noticed that he was inclined to get up, and perhaps run away, she clamped down his hand with hers.
“Please,” he said in a whisper, “let me go. I need not meet your father. I promise I will never bother you again. I will leave you alone.”
“Relax,” she said, “it’s not my father.”
“Who is it?” The question was hardly out of his mouth when he caught sight of the figure of Emma walking towards them. With a very ginger and queenly gait she walked. Luis’ heart raced. He got up to his feet and goggled at Emma with wide eyes.
“There’s the one you love more than me,” Emily revealed with a cold tone.
“You only turned your attention to me when she rejected you,” Emily said sombrely. “But now she has changed her mind about you; she wants you to be more than friends. So what will it be, Brother Kankoyo?”
Luis was dumbfounded. He stared from Emily to Emma, and he did not quite know what to make of it. He remembered the nightmare he had had several days ago and shuddered. So, sometimes, dreams did come true.
“Hi Luis!” Emma said as she leaned forward to hug him. She smiled widely, exposing her teeth in a grin.
“I really missed you, Luis,” she confessed, her eyes growing into that stare that had always enchanted him from the very beginning; that stare full of affection; that stare that seemed to bore into the depths of his very soul.
Suddenly, at that moment, as he stared into those eyes, everything around him vanished, and all he could see was her. 
“I missed you too,” he breathed, reaching out for her hand. He caressed it gently. “Emma, I really did miss you.”
Emma smiled even more enchantingly. “I want to be more than friends,” she revealed.
The words seemed to have a hypnotic effect on him, and at that moment, his thoughts raced back in time. He remembered everything now.
He remembered the first time he had met her on campus and the cold disinterest that she had shown him on that day. He remembered all the times she had been missing when he most needed her. Above all, he remembered the cold words that she had told him a few months ago:
“I have no intentions whatsoever of being more than friends.”
He came back to the present and stared at her with a quaint smile. At that moment, he remembered who she was. Yes, she was the girl he could never have.
“You know what I really believe in?” He asked sincerely.     
She shook her head.
“I believe that I should never force anyone to love me,” he said with a chuckle. “And you—you I love like a sister, and I hope it to be so forever more.”
Emma’s eyes bulged out and the smile on her face vanished. Her eyes glistened with tears, and she quickly looked away.
“I love you like a brother, too,” she said, her voice heavy with emotion.
She pulled her hand out of his and quickly walked away. She soon disappeared among the buildings. Luis’ gaze fell to the other girl who was just beginning to walking away with a low miserable stoop.
His heart was now heavy with grief. What a loser he was! He had just lost both the girls he really cared for.
But as he watched Emily walk away, he suddenly fell into wondering why a girl who hated him and thought he was no good would recommend him for a friend of hers. And at that moment, it suddenly dawned on him.
“Emily!” He called. She stopped and stood still. He run up to her and gently turned her to face him. Her face was socked in tears, but her eyes were burning with affection.
“I’ll understand if you walk away and out of my life,” he gasped. “I am not perfect, and I don’t deserve you. I’ll perfectly understand if you hate me now.”
But to his amazement, she leaned forward and hugged him. “I love you. We all have weaknesses to work on; and I have faith in you, that you will overcome all your weaknesses.” 
“Oh Emily,” he breathed as he stroked her back. The tears were falling down his face in thick streams, and for once in his life, he had never felt so alive. “I really love you Emily. I really do!”
“Luis,” was all she could say as she was chocked with emotion.
Suddenly, the rain began to fall. Big drops of water fell from the sky and beat on them hard.
“Let’s get out of here,” he said, trying to pull her away towards shelter.
“No,” she said, still embracing him, “with you here, the rain won’t touch me.”
“You are quite a dreamer,” he managed a weak laugh.
“No, you are the dreamer, because this is your dream.”
And as the rain came down harder and harder, the two love birds enfolded each other more snugly, and the rain did not touch them.
“You are very beautiful,” he said in a whisper. “And you are the first girl I have ever told that.”
“And so are you.”
With this touching scene in mind, let us leave, for at this juncture, the tale comes to its end.

Return form Hard Choice to LJ's Short Stories