Hedged-In

Hedged-In - A Love story by LJ Kundananji

For the Emma we know...

There is nothing much that I remember of Emma; nothing much at all. There is nothing much to remember anyway. She was hedged in, that girl; firstly by her finicky and persnickety parents, and also, inadvertently, by herself. Most of her childhood was spent in insidious captivity, behind closed doors. Her father was the perpetrator of this kind of austerity; apparently to protect her from the scum of the earth, who were more than willing to lay their filthy hands on her the moment she stepped out of the gate. Her mother—if she was really her mother—abetted her husband by piling the poor girl with mountains of chores.
I remember very well the description I contrived to describe Emma’s unpalatable scenario. I compared her to a compressed spring shut in the box; ready to spring out whenever and if ever the box was opened. Yes, I saw the potential she had to achieve great things.
I came to know Emma during my second year at campus, and of course, it was inadvertently. She became the roommate to Judy, a close friend of mine. I will not take the time to describe Judy, because she detests being talked about. But Judy was and still is a good friend of mine. I frequented her room. It was during my visits that I often rubbed shoulders with Emma.
My first impressions and evaluations of Emma were downright unfair because they were based on a few awards she had apparently been given at Primary and Secondary school and also the initial cold shoulder that she used to give me. She certainly was no under achiever, and in my mind, I felt that such a girl was completely out of my reach. In short, she was just too good a girl for me. I usually stay away from such girls, admiring them only from a safe distance. Initially that is how things were, and it would have been better if things stayed that way.
As time went on, my intense curiosity got the better of me and I could not help noticing that there was a peculiarity about Emma. She had noticeable emotional issues. Her moods used to oscillate intensely between high and low. During the high, she was extremely gregarious and fun to have around or be around. However, during the low, there was this melancholy about her, and it was extremely difficult to engage her in a meaningful conversation. Dying to be helpful in anyway that I could, I unwittingly got closer to Emma than I had initially planned.
As to looks, Emma was extremely pretty. However, she was not the sort who upon first glance would strike one as being very pretty. Her beauty was subtle, and therein the subtlety, the enchantment. She had a flashy smile that exposed her perfectly white teeth. Indeed, one of the most glorious things that anyone could hope for was to see Emma smiling back at you. On my part though, her gaze was the thing that totally enamoured me. Her big, round white eyes seemed to bore straight into me; into my heart. It is a stare which had a lot of meaning to it. Each time our eyes were locked in that stare, it was as if she was communicating to me things she otherwise could not find the words to say; as if she was requesting, in a very enchanting manner, that I help her get out of her quagmire.
Of course, being enamoured with her thus, my descriptions of her would obviously be quite marred by emotion. That is why I will not dwell on them. But in one word that perfectly expresses how I felt about her: adorable.
They say love causes people to do foolish things. Perhaps they don’t really say it but I think I have heard that somewhere before. As time went on I began to do what I term ‘imprudent things’. I prefer the word imprudent because in a very uncanny manner, it sort of takes the foolishness out of the ‘things’.
Before I even realized what was happening, I was behaving all goofy around her, showering her with gifts and anything that she expressed even the slightest interest in. And her, upon receiving my gifts, would smile and giggle so merrily that I would rush back to the store to get her another, so that I could just see that smile again.
I don’t really know how Emma interpreted my gracious actions. She probably thought I was just a very thoughtful friend. That is what I thought anyway. But who was I kidding; I wanted to be more than her friend. I soon began to fantasize about her and me, tying the nuptial knot of holy matrimony. Being adorable as she was, there were probably a lot of other guys who were in my shoes. But being naïve, as I was, I was totally blind to this rather unpleasant fact. I was a nobody really, and there was no way I was going to stand a chance against all the other suitors.
There were a number of factors that exacerbated my romantic notions; the biggest one of which was Emma herself. It is said that women are always waiting. In short, they usually never come out explicitly that they have a liking for you. They would rather give you a number of signs and then wait for you to act. Emma did give me a number of signs; or rather I thought she did.

One evening, after being pummeled severely in a test I never studied for, I walked back to my room, literally dragging my feet. I walked with such a low stoop that a mere gust of wind would have tipped me over.
When I sheepishly opened the door of my room, I had a pleasant surprise—so pleasant I almost suffered a heart attack. There was Emma waiting for me in my room, along with Judy. I remember standing there petrified from shock. Emma—in my room! I felt slightly dizzy.
“Luis!” she shrieked like a little girl upon seeing me. She flung herself at me and gave me a tight hug. I was totally dazzled. That was the last thing I ever expected from her. My hands fell limp to my side. She slowly loosed me and stared into my face; hers a few inches away from mine. I could almost feel the warmth of her breath.
“How was the test?” she asked.
“Terrible,” I confessed, sitting on the bed dejectedly.
“I am so sorry,” she said empathetically.
Though there were other people in the room, I did not notice them. All that mattered to me was the girl seated by my side. She seemed to belong there too, and I wished she could be there forever.
That is just one of the incidences that intensified my romantic feelings for her. I imagined that the warmth; the hug; was her own way of saying that she liked me too…

The other incidence was when she saw me washing dishes and cooking.
“You look so pitiable,” she told me. “I feel sorry for you boys; you are not supposed to suffer this way…”
“I am not suffering,” I told her.
“Yeah you are.”
“So what are you suggesting?” I asked in amusement. “So you suppose I stop what I am doing?”
“No, I suggest you get a wife…” she said, giving me that enchanting stare of hers. At that moment, I felt like telling her how I really felt about her, and asking her if she could be that wife. But somehow, I could not…

The next incident was when she paid me a visit. It was really funny that incident. There I was, waiting for her at her room, totally unaware that she was also waiting for me in my room. So we sat waiting for each other to return from wherever we had gone. I gave up first and dejectedly walked back to my room. Imagine my shock when I found her at my room, waiting for me. It was a wonderful surprise, that one. At that moment, I certainly knew that she cared for me…No girl could pay a guy a visit unless she felt something for him or wanted something from him. It was apparent that she did not want anything from me—she had come for me!
And as I escorted her back to her room that evening, I remember we stared into each other’s eyes for a while, without saying a thing. It was as if she really wanted to tell me something, and I really wanted to tell her that I cared for her. But I couldn’t and we finally parted with no little effort.

There also many times when Emma prepared me many a wonderful meals. No girl could waste her time preparing a meal for a guy if she really felt nothing for him.
I also remember the time when she described my appearance in the presence of Judy.
“You look like a girl,” she stated with a grin, in a slow deliberate manner.
“Pardon?” I asked in shock, wondering how she could have the audacity to insult me.
“I mean you are more than handsome—you’re beautiful, girls are beautiful.”
“Oh, I see,” I felt flattered, “like Joseph in the Bible?”
“Yeah, just like him; I haven’t come across a boy as beautiful.”
However, it was her stare that enamoured me the most. It seemed to say, “It is you I want.”

I was finally convinced that Emma had fallen for me; that she really loved me. She had given me enough green lights already. So one day, I gathered up all my courage to go and tell her how I really felt about her.
I found her alone in her room. This was the opportunity I was seeking. She welcomed me warmly—very warmly. I felt very comfortable and my liking of her became even greater. We talked and talked and talked more. Finally, I had the courage to ask the question I had been working on for a week.
“Emma,” I began in a sober tone to show her that I was not joking, “do you think that you and I can make a good couple?” she was dumbfounded. The smile on her face vanished. She stared at me goggle eyed, speechless. She sat like that for like a minute.
“Yes? What do you say?” I prodded, already beginning to feel very silly. She lowered her eyes and stared at the floor.
“Is that what you want?” she asked coldly, “I thought we were only friends.”
“Only friends?” I was confused, “I thought you wanted us to be more than friends.”
“Did I say that?” She asked; a shocked expression on her face.
“Your actions simply stated that…” I said in a trembling voice. I felt the tears welling behind my eyelids.
“What actions?” she asked with a terribly innocent look.
I elaborated all the things that she had done and said that made it appear as if she had a liking for me.
“I am sorry,” she said after I finished talking. “I am sorry that you misinterpreted my actions.”
“Could you blame me?”
“The hug…” she was still staring down, “we had waited for you for a pretty long time. We’d almost given up waiting when you showed up. I was just excited that the wait was over, that’s it…”
I stared at her incredulously. “And the time you told me I need a wife?”
“I was just making a general statement. You looked so pitiable and I just thought you needed a helper. It was not me I was talking about…”
“And the time you paid me a visit?” I was beginning to get desperate.
“That was the time I heard that you were sick; and I thought that it was only courteous to repay all your gracious acts by visiting you at your time of need…”
I coughed in amusement. “And those meals you cooked?”
“I was just feeling sorry for you because you were quite hungry.”
“And that time you described me as beautiful?”
“I really meant that,” she said with a hint of sincerity, “but I don’t just feel the same way you feel about me…I’m sorry…”
We sat in utter silence for quite a while, Emma staring down throughout and me just shaking my head in disbelief. This was the second time I had been rejected in the same manner.
“I am sorry,” she said, looking up at me with red teary eyes. “I am sorry I gave you the wrong impression.”
“No, don’t be…” I said with a thoughtful frown, “It’s my bad… I am too sentimental.”
I stood up to leave. Just as I was about to walk out of the door, I turned to stare at her. She was staring back at me with big round eyes—that enchanting stare of hers.
“I don’t get it,” I said, my voice full of emotion, “If you do not really feel the same way about me, why do you stare at me in that manner?”
Her eyes widened. “I do so when I am nervous or afraid.”
“Do I make you nervous?” I asked with a frown.
“Since the day I knew you.”
I got confused at that moment. I stared at her long and hard. She looked down again. I walked out of the door and closed it behind me. I walked to my room, a terrible confusion raging in my head.
Upon reaching my room, I sat on my bed, lost in thought. Suddenly, at that moment, I remembered who Emma really was. She was that girl that I used to admire from afar; that girl who was too good for me; that girl who I could never have.
“Where from?” my roomie asked.
“From seeing Emma,” I said.
“Like her?”
“I wish I could stop.”
“She’s a tough one that one I’ve heard. I’ve also heard that she has turned down a number of people. Hope she won’t turn you down too.”
“She won’t need to anymore,” I said thoughtfully and mournfully. “I can imagine the kind of pressure she’s been through. I won’t even think about it anymore.”
I chuckled as I recalled what had happened in Judy’s room. I reckoned that if she had really said something, she would have said it in the exact same manner that I imagined she had. Instead, she had just kept staring down in utter silence. Yes indeed, she was hedged-in that girl, and from the very beginning I knew that her heart was too cramped up for room to accommodate me; because she was that girl I could never have.

 

 

Hedged In
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