Unworthy

Unworthy - a short story by LJ Kundananji

When you love someone, and you realise that being with them is not worth their while, you have to let them go...

He laid his hands on the cold metal rails and stared into the setting sun. A dark expression slowly crept into his eyes and not even the fiery glimmer of the red sun could stifle it. He held his breath as he heard her footsteps and felt her presence behind him.

“Luis,” she called softly, almost uncertainly. The sound of her voice, so sweet, so innocent, so pure, sent a strong wave of emotion surging through his body. He felt his eyes water. He had to fight to keep himself from blubbering.

“Luis,” she called again.

“I’m he,” he grunted, but he did not stir.

A look of alarm spread across her face when she heard how heavy with emotion his voice sounded. She slowly inched forward and stationed herself beside him. She placed her hands on the rails and tried to look in his face, but he had turned it away. This was peculiar. He was hardly shy around her.

“What’s up?” she asked, spontaneously leaning towards him. This gesture drew a negative response: he edged away. She winced.

He slowly turned and faced her. She was struck with shock when she noticed that his face was drenched in tears and his eyes were fiery red, their redness being enhanced by the glimmer of the setting sun.

“Emily…” he started, but his voice caught in his throat.

“What is the matter, dear?” she had never seen him in tears before. She felt her own eyes water.

“I’ve got something to say,” he managed to spit out. He sniffled heavily and rubbed away the tears from the edge of his eyes.

“Say it,” she said with a motherly expression of concern across her face.

“I…” he paused and bit his lip, “I... I’m not worthy of your love.”

“What?” her eyes bulged out and her jaw fell into a gape.

“It just dawned on me yesterday,” he shuddered as he stared into her eyes. She was speechless. She stared back at him with a piercing gaze that seemed to peer right inside him.

“Explain what you mean,” she demanded, almost derisively.

“I am not worthy of you,” he spat out again, averting his face towards the sunset to avoid her penetrative gaze, but also to hide his flooding eyes. Her demeanour softened, and fear crept throughout her slim, shapely body.

“Explain what you mean,” she requested again, but this time in a far much softer voice.

Luis buried his head in his palms and sighed heavily. She reached out and gingerly pulled his hands off his face. She forced him to face her.

“What makes you think that you are not worthy of me?” she asked, raising a brow. Luis observed with discernible surprise and awe that little wrinkles appeared on her forehead. He reached out for her hand and squeezed it. He held his breath. It was the first time he had ever held it, and he winced at its gentleness. He felt totally unworthy to hold it, and a strong sense of guilt almost tore his heart to shreds. He almost let go, but despite his wretchedness, he held on. He knew that it was the last time he was going to hold it anyway. He knew that after this, he was never going to see her again. All his dreams of holding her, being with her, had melted away. Yes, all his dreams of her being his had faded away just like the elusive morning dew. This realization, that this day was the last time he was ever going to lay his eyes upon her beautiful countenance, filled him with a queer temerity, which alarmed even him. Yes, despite his wretchedness, he held on, and he stared into her eyes like he had always desired. Yes, today was his chance to tell her all he ever wanted, and today was the last time he was going to do so, because today was his first and last chance. And as he stared into her face, and she back at him, all else around them—the whole damned world—came to a standstill.

“Emily,” he began in a breathy tone, “Emily, you are all I ever dreamt for in a girl.”

This revelation sent a shudder through her body, which he felt through his hand. She goggled back at him with that stare that made him feel all the more unworthy, and more of a heathen than he would have liked to feel.

“I desired a girl who loves Jehovah.

“I desired a girl who loves writing more or less the way I do.

“I desired a girl who loves reading to the extent that she reads all that I ever pen down in my dismal little life.

“I desired a girl who loves singing to the extent that she would sing with me.

“I desired a girl who would love me for all I am—a  lowly being with nothing to call his own; yes, a plebeian being of the earth.

“Today, Emily, I want to tell you that you are that girl. I want to tell you that I …” he paused and took a deep breath. He reached out for the other hand and grasped it gently. With the sincerest of expressions, he forthrightly uttered:

“I would love to tell you that I feel tenderly for you… I love you.”

A little smug, derisive smile appeared across her lips.

“Luis,” she began, but he hushed her with a finger. He quickly grasped her free hand again.

“I really love you, Emily,” he breathed, “I love you more than I love my very soul. It is for this reason that I beg to leave you. I beg to walk out of your life. I beg for you to forget about me.”

“Why?” she asked in alarm, her eyes widening.

“I am not worthy of you; you are too wonderful for me. I am flawed. You deserve someone better; someone who is not flawed.”

This time she had to speak: “We are all flawed, Luis.”

“I am more flawed than anyone else, everyone else. I’ve made terrible mistakes, I have.”

“Are you afraid of my father—because he knows your past and flaws—that he will not accept you?”

He gave a half smile. “For the sake of all that is good, it is better that I leave you. The mistakes I’ve made keep haunting me.”

“But that is in the past now, isn’t it?” she inquired with so fervent a curiosity that she sounded cruel.

“They are a page in my history I can never erase; a stain on my shirt I can never remove.”

“You can put on anther shirt.” She cut in persuasively.

“This shirt, I can never put off because it is the shirt of my life. I can’t exchange my life with another. God, I wish I could.

“I am not worthy of your love Emily; you are too good for me. You deserve better.”

“What are the chances that I’ll find someone better than you? Odds are that I’ll find someone worse than you.”

“There’s a whole world of people out there who are better than me. I am but just a little fish in the vast sea. I am a single speck of dust on the white-washed wall.”

“I think you are special.”

“Not special enough for you.” He shook his head, “I have to go. I am too much of a loser to have you. I have to leave now.”

 

Emily suddenly squeezed his hands as tightly as she could.

“Remember what you once told me?” she began with a hint of excitement. “You told me that if you love someone then you will fight with all you are worth to have them, and if you don’t, then you don’t love them. Is this to say that you don’t love me?”

“Suppose you are worth nothing, hmm?” His eyes flooded once more with tears. “All your fighting will amount to nothing, because you are nothing. And sometimes, if you love someone, you have to let them go when being with them is not worth their while. I’m letting you go because being with me is not worth your while.”

“Luis,” she said, breaking down, “Luis, don’t go.”

“Goodbye,” he said, letting go of her hands. They fell limply to her side.

“No!” she cried, reaching out to grasp him, but he had moved a few steps away.

“Emily,” he said in a shaky voice. “Emily, I am sorry. I’m not worth your while.”

“You are worth my while.”

Luis stared back at her deeply and affectionately. Though the sun had now set, and the darkness of night had set in, she seemed to shine like a candle. In one burst of despair, he thrust forward and wrapped his arms around her. A surge of warmth crept throughout his whole body and he shuddered like his bones were all snapping apart as he felt the tenderness of her body against his. His breathing nearly ceased and he almost lost consciousness. Now he wondered how he could be sane enough not to leave her.
Emily’s face was sopped completely as she blubbered from his shoulder: she could taste the salinity of her own tears in her mouth. Despite herself and all she believed in, she clung to him, and when she felt him pull off and away, she was nearly sent swooning. She groped out for him but he was nowhere within reach. She opened her eyes and was just in time to see him scurrying off and disappearing into the darkness.

As she watched the last vestiges of him ebb away, she shuddered from every limb, and she wondered if he had actually existed, or if he had only been a dream. Her head was raging with confusion, but even so, she could clearly hear these words reverberating in her mind:

“If you love someone, and you realize that being with them is not worth their while, you have to let them go.”

© 2008 Kundananji Creations